Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize