I met the friendliest cop last night
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
