its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
