I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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