I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
