So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
