he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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