I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize