Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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