i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
