I will die if light touches me.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
