K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Just fell off a train. Bad.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Drunk is not a location!
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
