when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Randomize
