Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
