Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
