Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
