i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
