I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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