my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
