I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
we're so committed to being not committed
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
