She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Randomize
