I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
So apparently I’m into choking now
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
