Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
