M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
