so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
