I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
