you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Pants are for mortals
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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