last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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