So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
