Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I am one with the molecules
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
