I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize