So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
