were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
