she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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