While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Drunk is not a location!
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
