did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
