he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Randomize