Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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