when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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