Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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