once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
