I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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