I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
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