my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
