fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Sober January is a disaster.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
