Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
