How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
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