He asked to "fluff my boner.."
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize