smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Randomize
