so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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