saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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