Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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