hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
