I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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