We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
