see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Damn victory sex feels great
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
