Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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