clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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