Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
