I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
