my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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