I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
