I murdered the dance floor call the cops
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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