She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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