So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I am one with the molecules
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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