u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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